(Samizdat OnLine News Service----------) The backlash against the other social movements of the late Twentieth Century--Feminism, Civil Rights, and attempts to set "youngest ever" records, among others--will be regarded as child's play compared to the backlash evidenced by a new book of poetry entitled Dissipation Haikus: Enlightenment Through Wretched Excess. Its author is Paul Somerville, editor, publisher, and chief writer of the Samizdat OnLine News Service, and he has woven his philosophy of "Nothing in moderation – excess in all things" into the elegant seventeen-syllable Japanese verse forms which are his medium in this volume.

Somerville has never met a bad habit he didn't like, and the fact that he hasn't tried all of them is not an indication of lack of interest on his part, but merely of the fact that time is limited and choices must, unfortunately, be made. Not that the writer feels he must be limited to writing about those things of which he has personal experience; on the contrary, Somerville writes movingly of experiences with habits he not only hasn't tried, but wouldn't (although, he hastens to add in the book's introduction, always for reasons of cowardice rather than prudence or good judgment.)

It is significant that most of the so-called "dissipation haikus" in Enlightenment Through Wretched Excess have to do with consumables, and particularly with those consumables with are taken by mouth. "It's a part of the oldest and most sacred oral tradition of the people from whom I am spiritually and physically descended," Somerville said, "to celebrate such events as sunrise, sunset, clouds, rain, and the passing of an hour with a feast of something to eat, drink, or smoke. The haikus in his book demonstrate the depth and breadth of that heritage. Here is one about a tasty morsel which is a favorite of America's law enforcement personnel:

Death-dealing donuts
Clog arteries. Never mind –
I'll take my chances.

Yet another haiku celebrates a staple of the American Male's diet:

Well-marbled T-bones,
And Porterhouse – seared and rare:
it's what's for dinner!

Nor does the reader of these haikus need to do without dessert, as the following offering informs us:

Premium ice cream,
with all kinds of topping is
soothing to the soul.

And there is even a choice of sweets for the after-dinner dissipation pleasures of Somerville's disciples:

Strawberry shortcake.
Whipped cream dollops decorate.
Festive – tasty, too.

The nation's rapidly dwindling population of cigarette smokers is not left out of Somerville's celebration of courageous and conspicuous consumption, as witness the following offering, which should not be regarded by the legal authorities as sanctioning smoking in unapproved areas:

Camels, unfiltered.
Taste good (if not good for you.)
Smoke if you've got em.

And there is even some advice for the person whose dissipations do not include being a spendthrift:

Second-hand smoking:
the thinking man's way around
cigarette tax hikes.

More exotic consumables are celebrated in such other verses as:

Stimulant powders
From Andean alkaloids.
"Cocaine!", he snorted.

and

Irish Coffee, why
not Colombian Whiskey?
It's a mystery.

and one more, for those for whom the Sixties were the best time of their lives, as far as they can remember:

Marijuana leads
to short-term memory loss,
which means. . .uh. . .uh. . .uh.

Other forbidden pleasures celebrated in the book include marital unfaithfulness, and recalls a line from "The Amazing Rhythm Aces":

Third-rate romance and
Low-rent rendezvous – the ways
Of adultery.

and even larceny:

Petty theft: my way
to say "What's yours is mine", but
never vice-versa.

Somerville says that his work requires that he stay in touch with current developments and with the needs and desires of the youth culture. "I can't rely on much repeat business," he says with a sad smile, "because my readers don't usually stay alive long enough to buy a second book!"

Dissipation Haikus: Enlightenment Through Wretched Excess is available for $59.95 – not too high a price considering it contains a number of useful and tasty recipes and drink mixes and some invaluable tips on hiding your stash from your mother and the legal authorities – or can be obtained by trading some particularly good illegal substances which we will leave to your imaginations.

Paul Somerville
June 16, 1996

Scandal Strikes Samizdat OnLine News Service: Brother Paul Denies Allegations of Factualizing Stories

– Charges Include Checking Facts, Verifying Sources, Quoting Accurately, and Providing Balanced Coverage

(Samizdat OnLine News Service--------) In the wake of CNN's withdrawal of a story alleging that American forces had used deadly nerve gas against American defectors during the Vietnam War, the Boston Globe's suspension of columnist Patricia Smith for "fictionalizing" some of the people and facts in her columns, and the Cincinnati Enquirer's firing of reporter Mike Gallagher over ethical problems in developing the Chiquita Banana story, it should surprise no one that scandal has come to that bastion of American satirical reportage: The Samizdat OnLine News Service.

Some readers of Samizdat OnLine have accused publisher, editor, and chief writer Brother Paul Somerville of using actual facts in his news accounts.

He is also charged with quoting politicians and other public figures accurately and in context, with checking his facts (and sometimes even double- checking them); as well as with double- and triple-sourcing his most serious allegations, and with reporting the news in a balanced and objective manner.

"I may have been guilty of many things in my life," Somerville responded to the claims in a press release from the offices of the Samizdat OnLine News Service today, "but no one who knows me even a little would ever accuse me of either using or checking facts, of quoting people accurately and in context, with checking my facts – or paying any attention to them at all, for that matter – or with reporting in a balanced and objective manner."

"These tactics are unethical by the standards of the satirist's art, and I would no more be a party to them than I would refrain from making a joke for reasons of compassion and good taste," Somerville's statement continued.

"Let other, lesser journalists be scrupulous about the facts they present," Somerville said. "As for me, I will make my pass at truth with the tools of satire. Instead of presenting a pack of lies by a pack of liars – a specialty of the Washington, and particularly the White House press corps – I prefer to put into the mouths of politicians the words they would say if they were honest with themselves and their constituents."

"Let's face it," Somerville mused in his press release, "if politicians ever begin telling the truth as they see it, without partisan partiality and in the best interests of their constituents and the general public, I'm out of business."

"However," he added, "I don't envision any Going Out of Business sales for the Samizdat OnLine News Service in the near future. Quite the contrary: I plan to be in the satire business for a long, long time."

Somerville acknowledged that some inexperienced reporters for his news service have attempted to make names for themselves by quoting the actual words and describing the real acts of public figures.

"We threw them out on their ears," he said firmly. "It's just too easy to be funny by telling the unvarnished and uncensored truth, and we won't allow our young writers to take such shortcuts."

"Everything I write is either made up out of whole cloth or ripped from its proper context and transplanted into one to which it is in no way relevant but in which the public positions of the rich and famous become susceptible to ridicule and contempt. Even when I quote accurately, therefore, I often put the words in the mouth of someone other than the person who actually uttered them."

"Either that, or I have the person say the words in a setting which is grotesquely inappropriate and which – I am proud to say – I create entirely myself."

"This storm of criticism – and the preposterous allegations that I quote people accurately, or report news events in ways which are faithful to the facts, that I check or double-check facts or vet sources properly, or that I sometimes attempt to present a balanced viewpoint on an issue – will pass with time," Somerville concluded.

"Let other news sources – CNN and the Washington Post and the Boston Globe and the Cincinnati Enquirer and the like – stand on their stories. For my part, I will have none of that nonsense. Let them display their misleading photographs – I will continue to paint my enlightening pictures."

"Let them stand on their stories," Somerville repeated, "and I will stand – as I have always stood and as I always will – on my imagination."

July 21, 1998

=====

Ed. Note – the Editor-in-Chief of the Brother Paul Desk has reviewed these allegations of right-doing, and stands behind Brother Paul's comments above. When the fire is coming from the front, there's no safer place to be.

- Dr. A. Thaddeus "Tad" ver Bose

Editor's Note:

For several years, Paul worked on a religious calendar called Crackpots and Earthen Vessels. Shortly before his death, he finished it, having written entries for every day of the year. His working method was to find some datable religious fact and then to refract it through his philosophical prism, which has some strangely brilliant angles as we all know. God willing, the whole thing (about 300 single-spaced pages) shall be published. I am working, as Captain Picard commanded me, to “make it so.” Here’s a small teaser for October 7.

—John Shelton Lawrence

====================

The Jewish Mundane Era originated on October 7th, 3761 B.C. I have no idea what that was, when it ended, or even if it has ended. So, enough with the questions, already!

The Council of Chalcedon – which condemned the Robber Synod of Ephesus – convened in Turkey on October 7th, 451. Intuition tells us the Robber Synod might have been found guilty of stealing from the collection plate, but it would be telling us wrong. They were actually guilty of Eutychianism (also known as Monophysitism) – the ancient heresy that denied the full humanity of Christ by insisting that He had only one nature (a divine one), rather than fully human and fully divine natures. Even though that controversy has been mostly resolved, we should keep it in mind in case we ever want to fight another war or have another Inquisition over it.

Illiteracy for Dummies Addresses "Dumbing Down" of America

(Samizdat OnLine News Service--------) The much-discussed "dumbing down of America" is a process rather than an event, according to former Vice-President J. Danforth Quayle and former houseguest Brian "Kato" Kaelin, authors of the new book Illiteracy for Dummies. "Society responded to the fact that people simply aren't as smart as they used to be by making road signs, for example, that show pictures rather than words," Quayle said at a book-signing party recently, "but the 'dumbing down' process outran that effort when people got too stupid to understand the pictures."

“Ours is an increasingly complex society,” Quayle continued as his co-author smiled and combed his hair in the background, “and it takes brains to live in it. The fact is that being stupid is no longer an unskilled occupation. Like everything else these days, you have to know what you're doing when you're dumb, or you can get into terrible trouble."

"That is precisely why Illiteracy for Dummies was written," Kaelin continued as Quayle smiled and combed his hair in the background. "We see our cognitively-challenged brothers and sisters get into trouble every day because they don't understand the pictures on the signs. You can hardly read a newspaper any more without seeing some 'clever' story whose whole point is making fun of someone who got into difficulty because they were dumb. Well, the fact is, that we are no longer amused."

Kaelin smiled and said, "It's like that fellow in the movie Network, leaning out the window, except we are yelling 'We're dumber than hell, and we're not going to take it anymore.'"

The authors cited Forrest Gump as an example of how cognitively-challenged people are portrayed in the movies. "The message of that movie is that us dummies have good luck and fine lives. Well, the fact for most of us is that we have lousy luck and miserable lives because we misunderstand the simplest instructions, misread the most basic labels, and are constantly getting fired for gumming up the works in the office, factory, or fast-food workplace."

Illiteracy for Dummies (Hott Potatoe Press, Indianapolis, 8 pp, $59.95) takes a unique approach to the kinds of problems presented to – and by – the sort of people who are too ignorant to know that the symbols on the cash register represent not what they want to eat, but what their customer wants to order. "I got the idea for the book when I was at the McDonald's that night with O.J.," Kaelin said. "The clerk couldn't figure out how to work the cash register, and when I suggested to him that he punch the picture of the 'Big Mac' twice, he said, 'No, I'm not hungry enough to eat two.'"

Illiteracy for Dummies comes with a CD in which Forrest Gump's Mom gives detailed instructions about such activities of daily living as brushing your teeth, tying your shoes, combing your hair, and picking up the paper. "We have found that people like us respond better to Forrest's Mom than to anyone else in the world," Quayle said. "I have used Mom Gump's CD for years now, and have called her '900' number on the Dimbulb Friends Network whenever I needed political advice. I learned about her from my friend Arianna Huffington."

An original press run of four million copies of Illiteracy for Dummies is expected to be sold out before the end of the week, and plans are underway at this writing for a second printing before the middle of November.

November 8, 1995
Paul Somerville

Mr. J. Danforth Quayle
Indianapolis, IN

Dear Mr. Quayle:

Let me speak frankly: The press got you pigeonholed as a blithering idiot early on in the 1992 campaign, and they're not going to let go of that characterization. It's good copy for them, and they will use it against you in any campaign you run from now on (unless you follow my advice.)

Mr. Quayle, I have just one word for you: Yogi Berra. (I know that's two words, but pretend like you don't – it's part of the strategy.) Yogi Berra was – as you know – a catcher for the New York Yankees. He was a marvelously gifted athlete – a catcher who could hit with power. But Berra is less remembered for his baseball skills than he is for the funny things he said. Let me provide a couple of examples.

Asked if he wanted to go to a popular restaurant in New York City for dinner, Yogi replied: "Nobody ever goes there. It's too crowded." Told that fellow catcher Carlton Fisk was from Vermont, Yogi said: "That's one of my favorite towns." When he was handed complimentary tickets to a Yankees game in a couple of manila envelopes and was told "You're lucky. These were the last two," he said in amazement: "Gee, are they running out of them manila envelopes already?"

Does this remind you of anybody, Mr. Quayle? You bet it does. It reminds you of you at your loveable best. Yogi Berra has a secret weapon, and his name is Joe Garagiola. Ever since their boyhood, Yogi and Joe have been partners: Yogi's athletic skills were a perfect complement to Garagiola's ability to provide him with funny lines for the press.

Saying stupid things was easy for Yogi, as it is for you. Saying funny stupid things was beyond him. For that, he needed his boyhood friend Joe Garagiola. Let me cut to the chase here, Dan.

You can beat the brains out of the press at their own game if you retain me for your 1996 presidential campaign. I'll write speeches for you that will have the press rolling in the aisles and running for their computers to document your most recent outrage against common sense, grammar, and logic. They won't be able to lay off it, Dan, and they will believe that they are damaging your election prospects with the things they write.

Fools! They won't know until the day after Election Day that the American people were bewitched by what you said, and elected you by the largest landslide ever! Their overkill will stimulate sympathy voting by millions of kindly citizens.

And nobody will be in on the secret except you – the Yogi Berra and Samuel Johnson of the political oxymoron – and me – your Joe Garagiola and your Boswell.

I'll not mention money here, because I'm certain that when you see the wisdom of my proposal, we'll be able to come to terms on it.

Sincerely yours,

Paul L. Somerville
December 28, 1994

(Samizdat OnLine News Service--------) Although the moral shortcomings, psychological quirks, and figure problems of Monica Lewinsky have been detailed at what nearly everyone on earth considers wildly excessive length over the last 8 months, most fair-minded people would agree that she deserves a better boyfriend than the President of the United States was to her.

Public-spirited citizen that I am, I hereby offer my services to the nation's First Mistress, in her hour of need.

In the interest of full disclosure, I would like to let everyone involved - including Monica - know that I am a married man (which, as history indicates and luck would have it, seems to be a preference of hers.)

Thus, whether or not Brother Paul actually becomes Monica's new boyfriend will ultimately be a matter for her, the Independent Prosecutor, and any friends of hers who happen to have literary ambitions and tape recorders to decide.

Also in the interest of full disclosure, I would like to announce that - like Bill Clinton - I have inflicted pain on my family; not because I am an adulterer, but because I am a sadist to whom inflicting pain on everybody I meet comes quite naturally.

I have made these disclosures voluntarily, so that they will be publicly known before Kenneth Starr leaks them to my wife, the press, and the Republicans on the House Judiciary Committee.

All that said, here are Brother Paul's Top Ten Reasons Why He Would Be A Better Boyfriend To Monica Lewinsky Than Bill Was

#10 - I would memorize her first name before our first date, her last name before our second date, and her middle name before our third date - no matter how much or how little happened on the first two.

#9 - In the unlikely event I ever asked her to pick up a cigar, it would be solely for the purpose of handing to me so I could smoke it.

#8 - If I wanted to send secret messages to her, I would do so by phone, FAX or E-Mail, rather than by wearing the necktie she gave me.

#7 - I would never refer to her as "that woman" when speaking to anyone but my wife.

#6 - I would take care of all her dry cleaning needs personally, and even pay for it (cash, not check or credit card.)

#5 - I wouldn't promise her she could have any job she wanted after my re-election - mostly because I'm not running for anything, but also because she might choose Secretary of State (and I don't know why she didn't choose that position when Bill made his foolish promise to that effect.)

#4 - If I gave her presents, I wouldn't make her bring them back (unless I was really drunk at the time and gave her something that belonged to my wife.)

#3 - If I hugged her at a rope line reception with a bunch of other people around, I would make my manners by introducing her proudly, and saying, "This is Monica Lewinsky, my girlfriend, and any man who says she isn't is itching for a fight!" even if my wife was with me.

#2 - If I promised her - when we broke up - that I was going to be good, I would be sure to be good, no matter how bad I wanted to be otherwise; and

The number one reason why Brother Paul Would Be A Better Boyfriend To Monica Lewinsky Than Bill is: I would never either place or receive telephone calls during what my lawyers call M.M.I.I.-T.A.R.S.R.s (Moments of Maximum Interpersonal Intimacy That Aren't Really Sexual Relations.)

Paul Somerville
Moore, Oklahoma
September 16, 1998

From time to time we re-introduce one of the few resident humorists in the electronic world - Brother Paul, or Paul Somerville of Moore Oklahoma. He is the Supervisor of Social Workers in the Central State Hospital and a part time graduate student in philosophy at Oklahoma University.

He has become notable as a speaker at regional popular culture conventions. His writings here have been anthologized and have been the occasion of interviews in national and regional newspapers. Occasionally a reader will tell us that Paul is in "bad taste." The study of popular culture has convinced many of us that bad taste is a relative notion. To speak of Paul in the truly scientific spirit, one would have to say "my personal reaction to Paul is that his humor is in bad taste." The fans of Paul, who are numerous, would pari passu, be required to say "my personal reaction to Paul is one of laughter" - not "Paul is funny." So, in the spirit of the science of humor, here is one more Brother Paul. Enjoy or scowl as your temperament permits.

- John Lawrence, Moderator and Brother Paul Editor

==============================

Innovative Reform Party Vice Presidential "Short List" Examined

(Samizdat OnLine News Service ------) Before naming political unknown Pat Choate as his running mate Tuesday night, Reform Party Presidential nominee H. Ross Perot released the remainder of his "short list" for the second-highest office in the land, if you don't count the Speaker of the House.

Samizdat OnLine News Service has learned that leading contenders for the second spot on the Reform Party ticket are Judge Crater, Jimmy Hoffa, and Amelia Earhart. Responding to criticisms alleging that none of his prospective vice presidential candidates is believed to be alive, Perot snapped: "Now, isn't that just typical? I mean, isn't that just typical, pointy-headed government thinking for you? In the private sector, we think outside the box. We aren't limited like bureaucrats are. In fact, I'm thinking I don't even have to be limited to one Vice President, unless I want to be. It's jussat simple!"

A spokesperson for the Perot campaign indicated that the possibility of a shared vice presidency is under active consideration. "How many private sector corporations have only one vice president?" he asked. "Why, I know of small family-owned businesses that have as many vice presidents as they have children. Why should as big an outfit as the United States of American have to have only one? As the candidate would say: It just don't make sense."

Reform Party campaign insiders have told Samizdat OnLine News Service that Perot would assign the vice president an activist role in his administration. The sources indicate that Perot would use Judge Crater to head commissions on judicial reform and missing children, would put Jimmy Hoffa to work on labor relations and organized crime, and would place Amelia Earhart in charge of task forces charged with upgrading air safety and the status of women. "Of course, she could also fly the campaign plane," the same sources went on, "but not over water."

Observers of past vice presidents have given Perot high marks for understanding the roles and functions of previous occupants of that office. "Most vice presidents become publicly invisible shortly after the election, anyway, so I don't see how people can legitimately criticize Ross Perot for selecting people who have already disappeared," said Professor Homer Pimlott of the John Nance Garner Center for the Study of the Vice Presidency at the University of Texas at Austin. "It just seems to me like having disappeared already qualifies a person to perform the actual duties of the vice presidency like no other experience can."

"When you look at it that way," said an advance man for the Perot campaign, it really doesn't make much difference whether the candidate chooses one of the three on the short list or someone unknown who is more accessible. Either way, the vice president will disappear shortly after the election, just like he always has."

September 12, 1996
Paul Somerville

(Samizdat OnLine News Service--------------) Paul Somerville, Executive Director of the Marion Barry-Chuck Berry Center for the Study of Sex and Drugs and Rock & Roll in Washington, D.C., has been studying the deaths of rock musicians and other cult figures for the last couple of decades.

He believes that INXS lead singer Michael Hutchence's apparent death during a liaison with himself in which what is known as "near-asphyxiation autoeroticism" was being practiced was not the first such accident, by a long shot.

"My research indicates that most, if not all, of the suicides and so-called accidental drug overdose deaths of rock singers and movie stars were actually the result of sex acts gone tragically wrong," Somerville contends in the November, 1997 issue of Once, A Philosopher; Twice, A Pervert, the journal of the Barry-Berry Center.

"Kurt Cobain, for example, is widely believed by experts to have been attempting to have what is known as 'blowing your head clean off with a shotgun autoeroticism' at the time of his demise," Somerville contends, "and the late Cass Elliott died - and this is documented in an autopsy finding which her lawyers have managed to keep suppressed so far - while engaging in a bizarre sexual practice known among its practitioners as ‘choking to death on a sandwich autoeroticism’ in her Las Vegas hotel room."

Somerville contends that rock stars and Hollywood luminaries rarely die of drug use, for a quite simple reason. "They're good at drug use," Somerville insists, "and so they rarely make the kinds of mistakes which street addicts make to get themselves killed."

Most movie stars and rock & roll performers started using drugs as pre-teenagers, Somerville insists, and by the time they reach adulthood, they are so accomplished at staying loaded all the time without anyone noticing that only those who get into serious enough trouble to spend time at the Betty Ford Center are ever publicly known to be users.

"But they all use drugs of one kind or another just about all the time," Somerville wants us to know. "Everyone you've ever heard of is someone you've never seen completely straight or totally sober. That fact works in the interest of celebrity, in fact, by maintaining the mystique surrounding them."

"Even stars whose squeaky-clean images might lead you to believe they don't use drugs aren't drug-free by any means," Somerville concludes. "They just use drugs - antihistamines, for instance, or hemorrhoid remedies - which are too dull for anyone to care about."

"They are not, unfortunately for them and their fans, quite as adept at sex," Somerville laments. "As a result, they go in for stranger and stranger sexual practices, with the result that they end up dying in what look like drug overdose or suicide incidents, but which are in fact nearly all related to weird sex in some form or fashion."

The late actor Jimmy Dean, although widely regarded to have perished in an automobile accident on his way to a sports car race in his new Porsche Speedster, actually died of what devotees call "trying to see how close you can come to getting in a head-on collision without actually doing so autoeroticism," according to Somerville.

Other mysterious Hollywood deaths, while not as clearly attributable to sexual practices gone lethally wrong, are still suspect, Somerville believes. "We think Natalie Wood's drowning may really have been connected to an episode of ‘jumping into warm water and inhaling a whole bunch into your lungs and going into bronchospasm autoeroticism,’" he says.

And he contends that Marilyn Monroe's suicide was actually nothing of the sort, but an attempt at what politically connected celebrities call "take a whole bunch of downers to see if you can get the President's romantic attention again autoeroticism."

"We're not sure about a number of other incidents," Somerville admits. "Robert Young's multiple - and finally successful - attempts to do himself in with carbon monoxide in his garage may actually have been instances of what is known as "do something incredibly stupid just to see if Dr. Welby stumbles onto the scene in the nick of time and saves you autoeroticism.""

Somerville finds that possibility to be particularly sad to contemplate. "After all, Marcus Welby couldn't really be expected to come and save Robert Young, now could he? After all, Dr. Welby was tied up portraying the real-life actor Robert Young, playing himself in the role of a movie star who fell into deep depression over his awareness that he would never again play a romantic lead.

Basically, according to Somerville, the public should regard the death of any celebrity - whether from the world of politics, entertainment, or the professions - to be sexual in nature until it has been proven otherwise. "If we view these deaths in that light," he assures us, "we'll find, sad as it is to say, that we are more often right than not."

Paul Somerville
Moore, Oklahoma
November 28, 1997

I was born on October 10, 1947, two years and two months after the explosive dawn of the nuclear age in August, 1945, and have vivid recollections of how the fact of nuclear weapons (and, even more, the fear of nuclear war) haunted and colored every day and night of my life for many years.

From early adolescence until my early 20s, I exhibited a number of neurotic symptoms based on that fear. One of the clearest recollections is of wanting to sneak off and be by myself – earlier, with my transistor radio (clearly and helpfully marked at 640 and 1240 AM with a symbol showing me where to turn for information and instructions in the event of an "emergency"); and, later, with the radio in my car – to check in hourly on the state of the world according to CBS, ABC, NBC, and the Mutual Broadcasting System.

For some reason, I needed to be alone, just in case the news had finally become what my morbid fears imagined all along it would turn out to be someday: that the United States and the Soviet Union had gotten tired of contending with one another in a long, twilight struggle, and had decided just to slug it out once and for all with long-range bombers and ICBMs.

Some news commentators scared the hell out of me with the very sound of their voices; others reassured me the same way. Richard C. Hottelet of CBS had an Armageddon stentorianism in his voice that never failed to give me a case of the war-willies; Eric Sevareid of the same network just as consistently soothed me with his calmness, reason, and equanimity. During one particularly scary East-West confrontation in the Middle East, Sevareid said something like: "Some see the specter of World War III in all this. This is at most a distant shadow." I could have kissed him!

The Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962 took these childish – but never entirely unrealistic – fears and pumped them up into a truly signficant obsession. I became a news junkie, shooting up with news on the radio, on television, and in newspapers several times daily. The result of these fixes was soothing or alarming along a rather long continuum: a somewhat hopeful report would make it easier for me to keep my mind on school or the girls for another hour or so; a frightening one would result in my thoughts focusing on the prospects of my own imminent annihilation to the virtual exclusion of any other mental occupation.

At the height of the Cuban Crisis my male classmates and I made dark jokes about our impending doom – none of which I can remember. What I do remember is that our high school teachers were horrified by our jokes on the subject and let us know how serious the situation was, and how close to Doomsday we really were. The fact of their obvious fear did nothing to lessen my own worries.

A clear recollection is of trying to watch a football game in Cresco, Iowa, during the Cuban missile businesss, and overhearing the gloomy conversation of some of the men in town in the stands. I left the game in search of solitude and my Channel Master radio, scanning the dial for news telling me I might live or was surely about to die.

The pervasiveness of the fear was such that I couldn't hear a normal noise without imagining that it might be an augury of impending catastrophe. The distant sound of a high-flying jet caused me to wonder if this was a Russian bomber which had made its way through our defenses and was about to drop A Big One right on top of my teenage head; or even one of our own, headed for Russia. It really made very little difference to me which it was, since it obviously meant the balloon had finally gone up, either way.

I studied the shapes of clouds continuously, wondering if the mushroom-shaped ones were really the aftermaths of recent – and curiously unannounced – nuclear air bursts over faraway towns.

There is no question that my active and overactive imagination played a large role in these obsessions and rituals. But movies also played their part: Fail Safe scared the pants off me; Dr. Strangelove, which parodied it, helped me survive another day.

Going to college didn't help at all, at least not at first. One of my roommates seemed even more prone to take world events seriously than I was: I would awake every morning in the dorm to the sound of him in the upper bunk, moaning over the headlines in that morning's Des Moines Register. Sometimes, his moaning was of such passionate intensity that I skipped reading the paper altogether, figuring it would be more bad news than I could handle. A Sociology professor – an intense man with a bulbous nose and black hair – intoned that "The American people have no idea whatever of the implications of nuclear war." This was during my first year in college, when every word a professor uttered was a revelation which I received unquestioningly (for the first semester, anyway), and so I believed that the situation was even worse than I had conceived in all my fevered imaginings.

It was another professor who provided me the occasion of getting over my nuclear neurosis. During the Siege of Khe Sanh during the War in Viet Nam, he would sit in his office and brood about the possible outcome of the battle. He called his broodings "scenarios," and he was bright as all get out and had the ability to make these scenarios very real and very frightening, indeed. I recall spending much time in his office during that time, remonstrating with him that things were not nearly as apocalyptically hopeless as he imagined them to be.

The time I had previously spent dreaming up ways I might die in a thermonuclear flash I began spending cooking up arguments with which to allay the worries of my professor, who would look west out his office window as the winter sun went down and get increasingly depressed as the darkness overcame the light.

When the school year was over, I realized suddenly that I had been liberated from my obsessive fears of nuclear war by the act of having tried to liberate another person from similar fears. Actually, my motives were much less noble than that: the fact is that the scenarios he cooked up were too scary and realistic for me to live with, and I had to counter them in order to go on living. In the course of the reading and the thinking I did to try to ease his mind, I eased my own, at last.

A treasured possession of mine is a wedding present from this professor – a book he wrote, autographed with the inscription: "To Paul, with special thanks for keeping me out of the bomb shelters."

I am not without worries about the future – who could be? But these are no longer obsessive, and I can even go hours, days, and weeks without hearing the news or reading a newspaper. I finally figured out that the world can either blow itself up or keep chugging along without my help, and that either one would happen whether I monitored the situation personally and hourly, or not.

Whatever else this means, it surely means that the pressure to keep the world intact is off me personally, and that's quite a relief all by itself!

Paul Somerville
October 24, 1994

(Samizdat OnLine News Service-------) No matter how much the cynics scoff at the recent news that New York City has retained a psychiatrist to diagnose its problems, the new specialty of city psychiatry is here to stay, according to Sigmund Civitas, M.D., one of the nation's leading urban psychiatrists. "It is an outgrowth from social psychiatry, and it has been practiced for decades, with few knowing about it. Most major cities in America have been in treatment for years, as have many in Europe."

Issues of confidentiality are different in urban psychiatric practice than in practice with individuals, Dr. Civitas told Samizdat OnLine News Service. "Whereas individuals (except for certain celebrities and people who are trying to get on talk shows) want to keep the details–and even the fact–of their psychiatric diagnosis and treatment private, cities have the opposite desire. When cities receive psychiatric treatment, it is imperative that the details be disseminated as widely as possible, if for no other reason than the fact that the treatment is paid for with tax dollars, and the people have a right to know what they are getting for their money."

New York City, Dr. Civitas said, presents a particularly difficult case of Multiple Urban Personality Disorder. "In fact, New York City's case is so complex that Eve and Sybil are about as complicated as Barney the Purple Dinosaur by comparison. You take Manhattan, for instance (the Bronx and Staten island, too); and you will find that you are still only 60 percent through what are just the largest personality dissociations in New York City. You still have to account for Brooklyn and Queens. You start with these five, but you are only getting started when you do, because each borough consists of hundreds–perhaps thousands–of cultures and subcultures."

The only effective treatment for a place like New York City, Civitas believes, is the radical cure known as "Total Population Replacement." In this treatment, the entire population of New York City would be relocated in rural areas of states such as Iowa, Kansas, Nebraska, Wyoming, and Utah; and residents of those states would be relocated to New York City. "The cure is only temporary, though," Civitas contends, "because before too long the people who have come to New York start acting just like the people they replaced. This transformation takes place at different rates, but is generally expected to be occur within about a week. The same phenomenon occurs–at about the same rate–in New Yorkers relocated to the outlying areas of the country."

Other cities receiving psychiatric treatment at this writing include Duluth, Minnesota–which suffers from unexplained, but believed to be psychogenic–chills from about October through May; Cleveland, Ohio, which is receiving supportive psychotherapy for the traumas it has suffered at the hands of stand-up comedians over the years; and Dallas, Texas, whose frantic building spree (which has lasted over twenty years now) is believed to be symptomatic of Urban Bi-Polar Disorder, Manic Type.

What is the most interesting city Dr. Civitas has treated? "It's hard to say. Chicago was my kind of town, and my kind of patient, but it required Daley therapy, and I didn't have the time available to do that.(*) I understand it has become quite a toddlin' town lately. Boulder, Colorado was an interesting case because over half its residents are themselves psychotherapists of one kind or another, and I couldn't do very will with it because each one had a different idea about how it should be treated.

I guess my favorite is New Orleans. I began treating it for heartburn and alcohol abuse about fifteen years back. At that time, it was eating good food and drinking good booze around the clock, and having the time of its life doing so." So, what has the doctor been able to accomplish with New Orleans?

"We are still working very hard. New Orleans has not modified its eating or drinking habits a bit since we started in therapy, but now it feels bad about both. It's not much, but it's progress."

Paul Somerville
August 26, 1995

* - Editor’s Note: [SMACK]

(Samizdat OnLine News Service-------------) Defending his controversial decision to allow Baltimore Orioles second baseman Roberto Alomar to play in Division Series games in spite of his suspension for spitting in umpire John Hirschbeck's face, temporary interim Commissioner of Baseball Bud "The Owner" Selig today affirmed his solidarity with players in the matter.

"It's a tribal thing," Selig said. "The players are millionaires, the owners are millionaires, and the umpires are not, and that's a fact. Regardless of who is right and who is wrong, I would be a traitor to my class if I sided with the umpires in this matter rather than with my own people."

A spokesperson for the Commissioner's Office clarified Selig's remarks by saying that the temporary interim Commissioner does not approve of spitting in umpires' faces, but believes that there are certain prerogatives attaching to millionaire status, and that the exercise of those prerogatives must be defended even when one disagrees with the manner of expression.

Major League Baseball umpires have threatened to strike the Division Series starting today unless Alomar's suspension takes effect during those playoffs. Commissioner Selig has said that he understands the umpires’ feelings, but "like a parent, I can understand the feelings of children without giving into them. The threat of a job action by umpires is nothing more than a tantrum, as far as management is concerned, and we will not yield to tantrums."

A spokesperson for the Major League Umpires' Association indicated that they would strike regardless of the fact that there contract with Major League Baseball contains a "no strike" clause. "We believe that our contract contains an implicit ‘no spitting' clause as well–as a matter of common human decency as well as simple sportsmanship–and our strike call is in response to Mr. Alomar's violation of that implicit clause."

"Basically, we're rich, so we can do what we want; and the umpires work for us, which means they do what we tell them to," Commissioner Selig was overheard saying to a representative of the Major League Baseball Players' Association. Selig then added "Qui licit Jovi, non licit bovi."

Attempts to translate the last comment were unsuccessful until Father Dan O'Flanagan, S.J., assigned as a worker priest to the Umpires' Association, remarked, "We are not cows, and neither the owners nor the players are gods, no matter how strongly they wish us to believe otherwise. They are contending that rank has its privilege, and what we believe is that Mr. Alomar's execrable behavior and remarks concerning Mr. Hirschbeck prove that our nation's professional baseball players are about as rank as they come."

Roberto Alomar apologized for his comments concerning umpire Hirschbeck and stated that he believes fans don't understand the situation, but offered no explanation why he would apologize if he had, in fact, been a victim of misunderstanding rather than a jerk.

Paul Somerville
Moore, OK
October 1, 1996

(Samizdat OnLine News Service---------) Personal, educational, government, and business computer users got the surprise of their lives today when they booted up the much-advertised "Windows 95" program on their machines and were greeted by the face of a grinning Bill Gates telling them in no uncertain terms how things were going to be from now on.

"Greetings from the brave new world of Microsoft, Incorporated," Gates began, and then advised computer users across the country of the following new realities:

1) Now that "Windows 95" is installed on their machines, they will be locked out of them (except to view repeat performances of Chairman Bill's message) until they provide Microsoft with all of their credit card numbers so that all future computer use can be billed at a nominal hourly rate.

2) The new Microsoft National Computer Network is even now reviewing their computer's hardware and software resources, and will be sending users the upgrade materials it deems necessary, which it will be billing to the credit card numbers provided. The minimum upgrade cost is expected to be no less than $500, and no more than $2,000, with an average in the reasonable neighborhood of $1,250.

3) Those who have not purchased "Windows 95" and signed on to the Microsoft National Computer Network by October 1, 1995 will be denied the right to purchase it or sign on to the MNCN thereafter.

4) Hourly rates for computer usage will be based on computations made by staff of the MNCN, and will be based on a formula much too complex for any of you to understand. "The anarchy of the nation's computer system now poses an unacceptable threat both to the security of our country and the interests of the Microsoft corporation," Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said in a press release. "Our decision was that bringing the nation's computing activities under the protective supervision of our network will prevent us from descending into cyberchaos. We also anticipate, since the computers of the Department of Justice, including all Federal Courts, have purchased the 'Windows 95' system, that we can now put our legal problems behind us and move forward to the next millennium with confidence that the nation's computational infrastructure is secure."

Scattered pockets of resistance to "Windows 95" were reportedly forming among groups of Neo-Luddites who have so far resisted the pressure to purchase the new system. The two main resistance groups call themselves "The 3.1 Militia" and "The DOS Posse." Authorities give them little chance of staying online once the October 1 purchase/registration deadline is past.

Paul Somerville
August 24, 1995

I know Paul Somerville. He was my philosophy student many years ago. He was always inclined to the yarn and he has taken to claiming that he, Paul, is Brother Paul. That is simply one more interesting fiction, typical for Paul's mendacious imagination. Just as Jean Paul had Simone, there must be some Paula or Paulette who creates the works of Brother Paul. I assert this axiom: Paul Somerville =/= Brother Paul. Let me tell you how I know.

Paul Somerville was a student with an attitude. He lacked the discipline to get his writing assignments done and was completely unashamed. Only his potential was visible. He preferred the pleasures of smoking and drinking to the diligent work needed for exquisite writing. He could not be formed or deformed. So obstinate was he in his provocative potential that the Philosophy Department created and awarded to him The Socratic Prize in his senior year—an award for a student who showed skill in stirring thoughtful strife among his peers.

Brother Paul, on the other hand, is a cheerful person who obviously rises early in the morning or stays up late at night to exercise the writer's art. No topic is too trivial for elegant turns of phrase or Menckenian diction. Brother Paul can look at any topic from any angle; he is equally comfortable and eloquent in denouncing or praising the same fragment of our culture.

Because these comments on American culture are so articulate and original, I am willing to sustain the fiction of Paul Somerville's affinity for Brother Paul. I would love to meet the Paula or Paulette behind the literary facade, but in the meantime I will humor Paul. So long as he continues to bring us the gems of his Samizdat format, who cares where they really come from?

Enjoy these pages. Savor the beauty of the paper and the handsomely designed print. You will become an addict for a daily serving of Brother Paul. And then Brother Paul will prescribe just the right recovery movement to relieve your addiction. And then he will make fun of all recovery movements.

Enjoy!

John Shelton Lawrence
Professor of Philosophy
Morningside College
April 11, 1995

Paul was my student at Morningside College in Sioux City, Iowa, from 1966-1969. Paul was frequently in touch with me after graduation and once the era of e-mail began, my correspondence with him was steady. Paul continued to want to show me his musings and to discuss his most serious projects. I went and stayed in house in Oklahoma and he came to my house in Iowa where we had long talks.

Why did he choose me as a kind of lifelong mentor? After all, I eventually felt surpassed by Paul’s enormous talent for putting the word to paper and moving an audience. I take Paul at his word when he describes his primal moment with me as a teacher. I was teaching an undergraduate seminar on the Philosophy of Arthur Schopenhauer, using E.J.F. Payne’s two volume translation of The World as Will and Idea. One day in class Paul was discoursing in an especially whimsical way about Schopenhaur’s theory of world will, when I notice that Paul’s copy of the book still had its blister seal. At that moment, I blurted out, “Paul, you idiot. You gotta break the seal and read the book.” Paul thought it was bold, true, and funny. He felt that he finally had a professor that could really dial his number. The anecdote says something about Paul’s humility that hides behind his comic mask.

Over the years, I tried dozens of ploys to get Paul’s hilarious writings in a permanent format. When H-PCAACA came along as the online forum of the Popular Culture and American Culture Associations, Paul was inspired to make his own comments as his Samidzat Online News. He eventually wrote hundreds of little essays, I think, and many of them were archived at H-Net. But the most he would do was create a book of Dispatches accompanied by Meditations, a collection of Christian devotionals so touching that any friend of Paul, even an atheist or agnostic, could hardly read them with a dry eye. This was a handmade book that Paul produced on his laser printer and took to a professional binder. I had told him that I wanted to write the Preface for it, and Paul accommodated. That is the first piece that I offer to this site.

Paul was also working on a daily religious calendar, which recapped odd or important events in history—refracted through his comic prisms. Several of us are working on pulling together what we can and getting permission carry forward Paul’s legacy. He left us much to do, but the effort is worth it.

John Shelton Lawrence, Ph.D.
Berkeley, CA
July 27, 2005